The Leading of the Lord
by Jessie Penn-Lewis
A Spiritual Autobiography
This is a testimony from a servant of God who had a fruitful through the Welsh revival and deeper Life devotional writings. She was born in 1861 in South Wales; even decades after her home-going, thousands of her books are sold yearly. In spite of her gender [in turn-of-the-century culture] and poor health, God used her to teach His Word in distant lands such as Russia, India, and North America. To what spiritual lessons did she attribute her usefulness to God's Kingdom? What can we learn from her ministry?
I was brought up in the very heart of the religious life of Wales, for my grandfather was a Welsh divine, well known throughout the Principality in his day; and my father's house was a rendezvous for the ministers as they passed hither and thither on their Master's work. My childhood's memories gather round their visits and the great meetings of the Sunday-schools, when often I sat as a tiny child in the midst of the grave elders in the "big pew", listening with intense interest to the "howl" of the minister.
"The mercy of the Lord is ... unto children's children; but as it is often with children brought up in the midst of religious surroundings, the true inward change of heart did not come until I had married and moved away to England. Then it occurred without the aid of any human instrument, but the day -- New Year's Day -- and hour are imprinted on my mind.
Only a deep, inward desire to know that I was a child of God; a taking down of my (too little read) Bible from the shelf; a turning over the leaves, and the eye falling on the words, "The Lord hath laid on Him the iniquity of us all" [Isaiah 53:6]; again, a casual turn of the sacred pages, and the words, "He that believeth hath eternal life"[John 6:47].
A quick facing out whether I did believe that God had laid my sins upon the Lamb of God on the Cross; a pause of wonderment that it really said that I had eternal life if I simply believed God's Word; a quick cry of "Lord, I do believe" -- and one more soul had passed from death to life [John 5:24], a trophy of the grace of God, and the love of Him Who died. The Spirit of God instantly bore witness with my spirit that I was a child of God [Rom 8:16], and deep peace filled my soul.
The new life bore fruit in that I sought to conquer my besetting sins, whereas hitherto I had found myself at their mercy, as I feebly attempted to restrain them. But my attempts still ended in abject failure, and the succeeding few months were a record of bitter repentance, and many tears over sins I could not conquer. At this point we removed to Richmond, Surrey, and found our way to Holy Trinity Church. The first sermon I heard from Rev. Evan H. Hopkins was an opening of heaven to my soul. I learned the secret of victory, and it was not long before I proved the power of God to deliver from the bondage of sin through the precious blood of Christ.
Under the Spirit-lit teaching of Mr. Hopkins, and the earnest, loving help of his noble wife, I learned the joy of full surrender and the possibilities of a Spirit-filled life [Eph 5:18]. But active service for Christ seemed far away from me, for from childhood my health had been frail, and now winter after winter was spent in increasing suffering from bronchial and lung attacks. It seemed as if my life was slowly ebbing away. Nevertheless, in 1890, with apparently only a brief span of life before me, I ventured to take the hon. secretaryship of the Richmond Y.W.C.A. Institute -- "If only for six months", I said, for my whole heart was drawn out in service for the King.
Gradually I learnt to draw upon the Lord for strength for His work, so that in spite of continued ill-health and suffering, I worked, and organised, and laboured incessantly. But after a time I became conscious that the spiritual results were not equivalent to the labour of the work. I began to question whether I knew the fulness of the Spirit. Without doubt I had received Him, and had "entered into rest" as concerned my own life and fellowship with God [Heb 4:10]; but, when I compared the small results of my service with the fruit given to the apostles at Pentecost, I could not but own that I did not know the Holy Spirit in the fulness of His power.
My weekly Bible-class also was a great trouble to me, for I had no power of utterance. Organising work was much easier, but meetings were a sore trial. Self-consciousness almost paralysed me, and no practice ever made speaking less difficult. Others might have the gift of speech, but it was clearly not given to me, I said!
"But did God promise to us to-day as full an indwelling and outworking of the Spirit as in the days of Pentecost?" was my question, and I began to read book after book on the subject, until I was more and more confused. Finally, I put all on one side, and threw myself upon God to teach me Himself to know the fulness of the Spirit in power for service, as I had known Him for sanctification of life. For months I prayed, until my soul became "a furnace of intense desire", and I was ready to count all things loss, if God would but grant me that which I desired.
I did not know then that He was already beginning to answer my prayers, by preparing me for deeper surrender to all His will. The more I prayed, the more there seemed to be a blight upon my much-loved work; and I was greatly perplexed. The fulfilment of my petitions seemed further away than ever. Then the Spirit of God began to question me, and to bring to light the "thoughts and intents" of my heart [Heb 4:12].
Why did I desire the fulness of the Spirit? Was it for success in service, and that I should be considered a "much-used worker"? Would I desire the same fulness of the Spirit if it meant apparent failure, and becoming "the offscouring of all things" [1 Cor 4:13] in the eyes of others? This had not occurred to me before, and I quickly agreed to any conditions the Lord should please to set before me.
Again came the question: Would I be willing to have no great experience, but agree to live and walk entirely by faith on the Word of God? This, too, was a new aspect, but I quickly answered "Yes". Then came the climax, when one morning I awoke, and, lo, I beheld before me a hand holding up in terrible light a handful of filthy rags, whilst a gentle voice said: "This is the outcome of all your past service for God" [Isaiah 64:6]. "But, Lord, I have been surrendered and consecrated to Thee all these years.
It was consecrated work!" "Yes, My child, but all your service has been consecrated self; the outcome of your own energy; your own plans for winning souls; your own devotion. All for Me, I grant, but yourseIf all the same." Then came the still small voice once more, and this time it was with one little word -- "Crucified".
"Crucified!" What did it mean? I had not asked to be crucified, but to be filled. But since the Spirit of God kept ringing the word "Crucified" in my heart, He must know best. As a little child, I rested on the word thus given; and then, "it pleased God to reveal His Son in me, that I might preach Him" [Gal 1:15-16], I knew the risen Lord.
The Holy Spirit already dwelling in my heart had fulfilled His office, and revealed the risen Lord in full possession of His temple. "Glorious, indeed, is this Anointing! Where will it end? Waters to swim in -- no little trickling rivulet!" wrote Mrs. Hopkins to me on March 25, 1892. Immediately the living waters broke out as "torrents" in the work, and like a "tidal wave" lifted it, so to speak, on to a new plane, my fellow-workers coming into the tide with joy.
The Bible classes were thronged; on all sides souls were convicted of sin, and brought to Christ. The converts became, in their turn, soul sinners. The dead prayer meetings were changed into times of blessed access to the Father. In such an atmosphere of the Holy Spirit none could be dumb. Answers to prayer rejoiced our hearts. Souls were won for Christ even at our social gatherings.
The usual trouble over finances changed into records of sometimes romantic answers to prayer; we learnt that where the Holy Spirit was free to work He provided the funds, and deficits in our yearly balance-sheets were things of the past.
We had sought to arouse missionary interest with difficulty, but in the atmosphere of the Spirit our hearts became enlarged. We began to pray for the whole world, and to ask that the living waters flowing amongst us might reach to the ends of the earth -- the Lord answering these prayers by the scattering of one and another to various parts of the world, whilst calls poured in upon me to carry the message of abundant life to other places in Great Britain.
Two years had I laboured in my own strength without the anointing Spirit, and four happy years afterwards was I permitted to watch what He could do, when we consent to be "crucified", and to give Him right of way through us to souls. My "six months" had been prolonged into six years by the wondrous grace of God. Then came the wider service which God had purposed for me, and which I had not dreamed of, when I sought the fulness of the Spirit -- and which, from physical frailty, it seemed impossible ever could be mine. But by this time the knowledge of my resources in God had grown, and I was able to cast myself in utter abandonment upon Him, and find all-sufficiency for all my need, at all times and in all circumstances.
In 1896 we removed to Leicester, and at once came a call to Sweden. Another crisis in my life had come. Raised from the grave, so to speak, for the Lord's service, my husband felt, with me, that my life was a trust from God to be used only for the Master's Kingdom. With one mind we yielded that life anew to Him Who claimed it, that He might make the fullest possible use of the frail vessel. Not disobedient to the heavenly vision, I crossed the North Sea to Stockholm for the first Scandinavian Conference of the Y.W.C.A. Delegates from Norway, Sweden, Denmark, and Finland, gathered together, and the devotional meetings held in a beautiful hall were thrown open to the public.
